JokesPoint.com is nice collection of all kind of jokes, like: jokes for kids, Chuck Norris jokes, Yo mama jokes, etc.
1. There's 1 redhead 1 brunette and 1 blonde. Their all at the NASA space center. The redhead says to the flight technician, "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow. The brunette says, "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week. The blonde says, "I want to go to the sun". The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?" The blonde says, "Well then I'll go at night."
2. A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?" The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "DAMN IT this one is barefoot too!!
3. A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sergeant replied, "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural s*xual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said, "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous s*x with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
4. A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where Upon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russian." Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians from: The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence. Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There's two of them."
5. A man is talking to God. The man: "God, how long is a million years?" God: "To me, it's about a second." The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?" God: "To me it's a penny." The man: "God, may I have a penny?" God: "Wait a second."
6. Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I". Student: I is the... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
7. TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son. FATHER: What's that? TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
8. One sunny day on the North Sea a creative little boy was playing in the sand trying to decide what to make. He discovered some Scheiss (you can guess what that is) on the beach so he decided to make a VoPo (People's Policeman). Just as he was finishing, along comes a VoPo, trying to make sure no one swims to Denmark. He decides to ask the little boy what that ugly thing made of Scheiss is. The little boy responds: "It's a VoPo!" So the officer beats him. The next day, the boy is on the beach making the same creation when that same officer comes along and sees the boy is playing with the Scheiss again, and asks what he is doing. The boy responds "I'm making another VoPo!" So the officer beats him. The day after that, the officer is strolling the beach, sees the boy playing just with sand, and is glad to see he has switched his medium. So he asks boldly "what are you making today?" The boy responds: "A G.I.!" The officer asks: "And why not a VoPo?" The boy responds: "Couldn't find any Scheiss."
9. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute."Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
10. A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"
11. A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says, "But sir, its just a sperm bank!" "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!," she looks at him, "But they are sperm samples???" "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well," so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
12. This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
13. A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up."
14. A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. "The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone 100 dollars who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
15. A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: 'To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million.' The lawyer continued, 'To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million.' The lawyer concluded, 'And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!'
16. There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
17. Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. "Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my God," says Sid. "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."
18. Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad, that he couldn't find his ball once he'd hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted. Joe said, "But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!" His wife replied, "Yes, but his eyesight is incredible." Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly. He asked Ted, "Do you see it?" Ted nodded his head and said, "Boy, that was a beautiful shot!"" Joe excitedly asked, "Well, where did it land?!" Ted said, "Hmmm. I forget."
19. Genuine advert. in New York Newspaper Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannia. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f## king everything.
20. Tony ambled into a bar, and noticed a bucket behind the counter filled to the brim with cash. "Is there a contest on to win that dough?" Tony asked the bartender. "Yep," the barkeep responded, "It costs $50 to enter, and then you have to do three things: First you've got to knock out Spike, our 300-pound bouncer. Then we've got a pit bull out back with an abscessed tooth, and it's up to you to yank it out. Finally, the 90-year old lady who owns this place is upstairs. If you can give her a multiple-orgasm, all the money's yours." Tony was up for it. He paid the fee and approached the hulking doorman. With a single blow, Tony knocked Spike cold. Triumphant, Tony stormed into the bar's backyard. The patrons listened to the pit bull's ferocious bark for several minutes, which was followed by a series of hysterical yelps. Covered with nicks and scratches, Tony reentered the saloon and yelled: "Two down! Now where's that old broad with the abscessed tooth?"
21. A woman gives birth to a baby..... Afterward, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???" The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features... of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my God! You mean it has a pen*s...AND a brain!!!"
22. A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says She is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked in the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Blonde replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
23. Sharks are not living on the sea because they can't breath on continent. They live on a sea, because Chuck Norris doesn't.
24. There is no 'Ctrl' button on Chuck Norri's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control
25. Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop. When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: "Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?" The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm sorry." At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: "Will it take ME?"
26. Men is at the airport. - Name? - Abdul al-Rhazib. - S*x? - Three to five times a week. - No, no... I mean, male or female? - Male, female, sometimes camel. - Holy cow! - Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general. - But isn ´ t that hostile? - Horse style, doggy style, any style! - Oh dear! - No, no! Deer run too fast! :-))
27. A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.
28. Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."
29. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
30. This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?" The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight...."
31. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him to apologize and I'll hold your monkey for you."
32. Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you are drunk."
33. Texan: "Where are you from?"" Harvard grad: "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." Texan: "Okay," "Where are you from, jackass?"
34. A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news". "Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient. The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live." That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?" The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
35. Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die. Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. "Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked. St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven." Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?" So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer. "I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff. "It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it............. and the blonde doesn't."
36. Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop. "Yesssh, ssshombody stole my car!" Edward replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?". "It was at the end of this key," Edward replies. At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards pen*s is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself? Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!!!"
37. During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor, Dr. UK, Steve, and a French doctor, Dr. Myrddin, were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently. "Only last week," Dr. Myrddin said, "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!" "Don't be absurd, "Dr. UK Steve exclaimed, "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't be able to walk if it were." "Aah, you English, always thinking about size," replied Dr. Myrddin. "I was talking about the flavor!"
38. An Italian and a Greek were arguing about which country added the most to civilization. The Greek: We built the Acropolis! the Italian: We built the Colloseum! The Greek: We gave the world advanced math! the Italian: We made the Roman Empire! The Greek: We discovered sex!! the Italian: And we introduced it to women!!
39. A wife woke up in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house, and heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?" "Yes, of course," she replied. "Well, I would have been released tonight."
40. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
41. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
42. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
43. MALE LOGIC There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one 5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the 5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the 5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the largest breasts...
44. Oxygen needs Chuck Norris to survive.
45. An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both.""Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
46. Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
47. To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
48. Deer hunter and father of 3 sons, was anxious to share his latest kill with his family for Sunday dinner. He didn't want his sons to refuse tasting the delicious venison, so he sat the boys down to dinner without telling them what the meat was they were about to eat. "Oh come on Dad," said the oldest son. "What is this meat?" "Just taste it," said the father, "You will love it." The boys eyed each other nervously and put a piece of the meat on their forks. "Give us a little hint,", pleaded the second son. "Only if you take a bite," said the father. As each boy took a cautious bite of the venison, the father continued, "Let me think, your mother calls me this from time to time." The oldest boy shouted, "Spit it out boys, it's asshole!"
49. A cop stopped a drunk at about dawn. The cop asked, "Can you explain why you're out at this hour?" "If I could," the drunk said, "I'd be home by now!"
50. A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
51. Walking into a lawyers office, a man asked what his rates were. "Fifty dollars for three questions," the lawyer stated. "Isn't that awfully expensive?" the man asked?" "Yes," replied the lawyer. "What's your third question?"
52. Q: What's the best way to get a hold of a lawyer? A: By the neck...
53. What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 laywer, and you had a gun with only two bullets? Shoot the lawyer twice.
54. Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you? Pupil: Not very much!
55. Doctor, Doctor can you please help me out? Yes, over there, the same way that you came in!
56. Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter? A: Because it's too far to walk!
57. Q: What is a baby's motto A: If at first you don't succeed cry cry again!
58. A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"
59. A man is out walking in New York when he sees a girl being savaged by a fierce dog. He fights off the dog by beating about the head with a stick and saves the girl's life. The girl's mother rushes over to him: "Thank you, thank you, you are a hero, tomorrow all the newspapers will have headlines about Brave New Yorker Saves the Life of Young Girl" "But I'm not a New Yorker," the man says. "Oh, then it will say in all the newspapers Brave American Saves Life of Young Girl," says the mother. "But I'm not an American," the man says. "What are you then?" asks the mother. "I'm an Iranian," the man says. The next day he sees the newspaper headlines: Islamic Extremist Kills American Dog.
60. Q:How can you get four suits for a dollar? A:Buy a deck of cards.
61. The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
62. There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!
63. Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club. "We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith. "Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."
64. Air traffic controller: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Air Traffic controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"
65. Cessna pilot: "Tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!" Do you have the airfield in sight?" Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
66. A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida. "Is it true," he asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?" "That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."
67. Q:What do American beer and making love in a canoe have in common? A: It's fu*king close to water!
68. Q: What do pilots eat? A: Plane biscuits.
69. Why did the blonde nurse take a red magic marker to work? So she could draw blood.
70. A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."
71. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
72. An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black." "No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here."
73. An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions. They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?" After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon." The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician." The jogger, shocked, responds, "Yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?" "Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."
74. Q:What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman? A:The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.
75. Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself.
76. Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No.
77. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
78. Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.
79. Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour. Hey, asked the brunette at the wheel, see any cops following us? The blonde turned around for a long look. As a matter of fact, I do. Oh, NOOOO! yelled the brunette. Are his flashers on? The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."
80. Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"
81. Bill and Earl are out playing golf. They get to the 17th tee, which overlooks a small lake, and see two guys out on the lake fishing. Bill says, "Hey Earl check out these two idiots fishing in the rain!"
82. "Knock, knock.Who's there?" very long pause... "Java."
83. A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owned. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet." So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money." The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
84. A blonde was driving home after work and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said... "HEL-LOOOOOOOO ...You gotta roll up the windows!!!
85. Wife comes out of a beauty salon and asks husband: "So, how do I look?" "Well, at least you tried..."
86. A husband and wife are eating soup. the wife spills soup all over her and says: "Oh no, I look like a pig" "Yes and you also have soup all over you!"
87. Q: If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground? A: The rest of your life...
88. A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"
89. One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, f...ing beautiful!'"
90. A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of s*x education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for s*xual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of s*x education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watching TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with s*x education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to f*ck with the Lone Ranger."
91. Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
92. A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink. When he finished he said to the attorney, "That will be $400.00." The attorney became irate, "What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that's ridiculous!!" The plumber replied, "I thought the same thing when I was an attorney."
93. A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms. The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar. The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"
94. A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "You can't come in here... you have to go to the other place". But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here." The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK". St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years." The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!" St Peter said, "We go by billing hours".
95. Q: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? A: Not enough sand.
96. Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit.
97. What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.
98. Q: What has four legs and an arm? A: A Happy Pit Bull.
99. A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Adviser tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his Adviser, "in her biology class."
100. A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
101. What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb? The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.
102. A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets on who's just perfect: 3-piece suit, great build with a nice butt. Unfortunately, they both noticed, he had really bad dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him 'Head & Shoulders.'" To which the blonde replied, "How do you give 'Shoulders'?"
103. A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
104. A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened." The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car. The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seat belt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?" She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."
105. A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
106. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
107. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
108. A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".
109. People believe in God. God believe in Chuck Norris.
110. Two truck drivers trying to drive under a bridge. Driver, "Oh no, the height of bridge is 2.7m and our truck is 3m." 2nd driver, "it's OK, just go, there is no cops around."
111. A female school teacher comes up to a parent at a parent meeting and says, "You know, your son called me a pr*stitute!" Dad calls up his son and says: "So this teacher teaches you, helps you, wants you to get good grades and for all that you call her a pr*stitute?? What do you care about what she does after work?"
112. A woman wants everything from one man. A man wants one thing from all women.
113. A very fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk, "I would like to see a bikini that fits me." Clerk, "me too..."
114. Two blonde women are talking.. - you know, yesterday, I cheated on my husband - did you do it for money or for love? - for love of course, 'cause you know $300 is not really money anymore...
115. I've never smoked marijuana in my life, because I get really sleepy afterward...
116. An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESN'T EXIST.
117. Patient goes to Doctor, doctor starts looking at him... - Good, good, good... - Doctor, what's good? - Good that I don't have what you have...
118. A patient comes to a doctor, who asks him: - Do you smoke? - No. - Do you drink? - No. - Do you eat fast food? - No. - Don't worry, I'll find something anyways...
119. A system administrator has 2 problems: - dumb users - smart users
120. Two Russian guys are walking down the street and they find a $100. So one says, "OK, lets buy bread for $1 and the rest we spend on vodka?." The other says, "I don't get it, why do we need so much bread?."
121. A blonde rear ends a man. He gets out of his car and asks: - Have you ever even taken a driving test? - Yes, I have, and many times, you idiot!
122. How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses
123. To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their accomplice. To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.
124. A cop pulls a guy over: - Sir, why were you speeding? - Officer, I wanted to get home quickly, before I became really drunk.
125. Q: What is the best organized thing in our world? A: Crime.
126. - Jennifer, wanna go to my place? - I am not Jennifer - But I didn't ask about that...
127. I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.
128. Patient comes to the doctor, doctor says: - So, what concerns you? - Dr, everyone ignores me! - Next!
129. A student is sitting at astronomy lecture in college, when the professor mentions. "In about 15 billion years, the sun will burn out and all life on earth will cease to exist." "Excuse me, professor, did you say 5 billion years or 15 billion?" "15 billion." "Whew, thanks, because I was really getting worried."
130. Jenna, Jessica and Ariana die. They all go to heaven and GOD says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't step on a pink cloud". The first day, Jenna goes out and comes back with a ugly guy. Jessica and Ariana ask, "What happen?".Jenna says, "I stepped on a pink cloud". The next day, Jessica goes out, she comes back with a ugly guy. Jenna and Ariana ask, "What happen?". Jessica says, "I stepped on a pink cloud". The following day Ariana goes out and comes back with a HOT guy, blue eyes, thin and tall. Jenna and Jessica ask, "What happen?" The guy says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".
131. Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
132. God wanted 10 days to build the world, Chuck Norris gave him 6.
133. Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men? A: So that they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!
134. When Truman decided to bomb Hiroshima for World War II it was because it was more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.
135. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
136. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
137. Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
138. Chuck Norris doesn't check the time - he decides it.
139. Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
140. Chuck Norris has been on Mars, that's why there is no life there.
141. Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start!
142. "You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?" "Well, your Honor," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
143. God said, "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "Say please."
144. Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.
145. A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
146. Chuck Norris, Mr T and Arnold Schwarzenegger died in a plane crash they got to heavens door way and god asked them what there business is. Arnold replied "I want to be your right hand man." Mr T said "I wanna be your left hand man." Chuck Norris said, "Get the out of my chair."
147. A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
148. My uncle is with the FBI. They caught him in Cleveland.
149. Truck driver is stuck under bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
150. A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."
151. At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "When joo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"
152. A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls. He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that." The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
153. A rabbi, a priest, and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
154. Why did the blonde get on the roof of the bar? She heard drinks were on the house.
155. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
156. Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention? Student: I'm paying as little attention as I can.
157. A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited. "Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said. "It's okay, Dad," the boy said, "The police car right behind us did the same thing."
158. Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with "T". Pupil: Today and Tomorrow.
159. Teacher asked George: how can you prove the earth is round? George replied: I can't. Besides, I never said it was.
160. There is this blonde going to Disney World. She sees a sign that says, "Disney World left". She turns around and goes home.
161. Chuck Norris email address is Yahoo@chucknorris.com.
162. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to Red Cross. Just newer his own.
163. Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a Lamborghini? A: I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
164. There was in the bar a magic mirror. If you told a lie it would suck you in. One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world," and it sucked her in. The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world," and it sucked her in. Then the next day a blonde walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said, "I think..." and it sucked her in.
165. Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies. "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
166. Pr*stitute in the police station. The desk officer says, "So when did you realize you were raped?" She replies ... "When the cheque bounced!"
167. Billionaire Richard Branson has withdrawn from a sponsorship deal of Chesterfield Football Club. He stated that, "He couldn't have the name VIRGIN on the teams shirts ... when they get f..ked every week !"
168. A blonde phones up the fire brigade and says that her house is on fire. Fireman asks, "How do we get there ?" She replies, "HELLO ... IN THE BIG RED LORRY !"
169. Alcohol doesn't make you FAT ... it makes you LEAN ... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people !
170. A guy picks up a pr*stitute and proceeds to spend a couple of hours with her at a seedy motel. A few days later, he finds that he has caught crabs. He chases down the prostitute and says, "Hey b*tch, you gave me crabs". She replies, "What'd you expect for ten bucks? Lobster?"
171. Yo momma is so ugly when she tried to get into the ugly competition the judge's said, "Sorry,no professional's"
172. A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. "I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," says the wife ... 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand ! Husband says, "Sorry love, my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me ..." So the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92!
173. An ugly bloke walks into a pub with a huge grin on his face. "What are you so happy about ?" asks the landlord. "Well, I live by the railway and on my way home last night I noticed a woman tied to the tracks. I cut her free and we shagged all night !' "Did you get a bl*w job?" asks the landlord. "No ..."" he says, "I never found the head."
174. A couple driving home hit and wounded a skunk on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car. "We need to take it to a vet. Its shivering, it must be cold, what should I do ?" she asks. Husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." "But it stinks !" she exclaims. "So hold its nose!"
175. A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's bedroom, he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran! Johnny just looks at him and says, "Not so funny when its your mum is it?"
176. One day a tiny Apache Indian child walked into Big Chief Sitting Bull's Tepee. "Sitting Bull," he asked, "Why does every man in our tribe have such long, complicated names?" "Well," says Sitting Bull, "Its simple. Whenever a baby in this tribe is born, his father wanders outside, absorbs the wonder of nature and then names his child on the first thing he sees. "Why do you ask, Two dogs f*cking?"
177. A woman and baby are in the doctors surgery, the doc is concerned about the baby's weight. "Is he bottle fed or breast fed ?" The woman replies, "Breast fed." The doc gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts. He pinches her nipples and sucks and rubs both breasts for a while ... "No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk." Woman replies, "I know, I'm his granny ... but I'm glad I came!"
178. Husband admiring his body in the mirror says to wife, "Look at that, 14 stones of pure dynamite! Wife replies, "Yeah, shame about the 2 inch fuse ..."
179. I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ... 20 years old and mixed up with coke!
180. Boy asks his Gran nervously, "Have you seen my pills ... they were labeled LSD?" Gran replies, "F.ck your pills! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen!"
181. Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, women underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with an extra large dildo stuck up his arse. They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment ...
182. Three guys are at a restaurant, all with their girlfriends. The first guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the honey?...Honey. Now, the second guy, copying the first, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the sugar?....Sugar. So now, the third guy is under pressure. He has to come up with something good. After, a minute of thinking he says to his girlfriend, "Pass me the pork...pig."
183. Whats brown, made of concrete, and shits in the woods ? A bear, just added the concrete to make it sound interesting ...
184. A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this... 'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.' She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away." So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?" Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
185. Man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I cant stop my hands from shaking!" Doctor replies, "Do you drink much?" Man says, "No, I spill most of it!"
186. A Muslim was sat next to an Australian on an airplane. After the plane had taken off the air hostess came over and asked for drinks orders. The Australian orders Jack Daniels and coke. The air hostess asks the Muslim if he too would like a drink? Looking at the Australians drink, the Muslim replies in disgust, "I would rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores and had my head shoved up a sheep's arsehole, than let liquor pass my lips!" The Aussie passes the drink back to the air hostess and says, "Strewth, I didn't know we had a choice!"
187. Marriage is a three ring circus ... engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering ...
188. Q: What's six inches long, has a head on it and drives women wild? A: A fifty pound note!
189. Man walks over to a lady in a bar and asks, "Whats your name?" "Carmen," she replies, "... I like cars and men! Whats yours?" The man looks her up and down and says, "Beerp*ssy ..."
190. Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out. Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes, "Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane, saving anothers life. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ..." "Oh no," Edna replies, "That's where I put him to dry!"
191. I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would prod me and say, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped that, when I started saying it to them at funerals!
192. A man says to his wife, "Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time." His wife replies, "You've got a bigger d.ck than your brother ..."
193. Just been to the gym and there's a new machine. Only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick. Its good though, it does everything 'Kitkats, Mars bars, Snickers and crisps'!
194. A little boy asks his Mum, "Why am I black and you are white?" "Don't even ask," she replies, "When I think back to that party ... you are lucky that you not bark!"
195. A man is lying on the beach, sun bathing, wearing nothing but a cap over his d*ck. An ugly woman is passing and remarks, "If you were a gentleman, you would lift your hat for a lady ..." He replies, "If you were any sort of lady, the hat would lift itself!"
196. A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago?" "Maybe," says the wizard, "If you can remember the exact words of the curse?" The man replies without hesitation, "I pronounce you man and wife ..."
197. The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
198. Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
199. Yo momma is so poor that when I saw her last week walking down the street kicking a can, so I asked, "What are you doing?" and she said, "Movin."
200. What did the blonde say when she found she is pregnant? "Is it mine?"
201. Husband came home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning. Wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin. I said to her, "What are you doing 'baking' at this time of the night?"
202. When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive' ... I took her to a petrol station ...
203. Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman? Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.
204. I don't know whats happening in this country. You've got school children dressing like whores and whores dressing like school children. Its a nightmare ... you just don't know whether to carry sweets or money!
205. Ive got a new anorexic girlfriend. Its not going too well though. I'm just seeing less and less of her ...
206. My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that ...
207. The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day. So I said, "Gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee ..."
208. If size doesn't matter, why my girlfriends vibrator isn't three inches long and crooked ...?
209. I'm going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'. I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.
210. A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said, "Ship her home." Shocked, the undertaker asked, "But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money? "The husband replied, "A long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance!"
211. The Internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI ...
212. If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.
213. The 90 minutes or so, the teamwork, the scoring, the noise, the passion, the ecstasy, the intensity, the satisfaction after the end of it all ... I love gang rape.
214. A young lad is sitting at the table doing his homework. Dad, he says, "What is the difference between 'potentially' & 'realistically'?" Father scratches his chin, inhales sharply and says, "That's a tough one; it's probably easier to demonstrate. Go & ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for 1 million quid; then ask your sister the same question." ... 2 minutes later, the lad is back. Dad, they both said for 1 million quid...? Definitely!!! Well son, says the old man, "There is your answer; potentially we are sitting on 2 million quid, realistically we are living with a pair of slags....!"
215. I saw a sign in a public toilet the other day. It said, 'Please leave this toilet in the condition that you would have liked to have found it in.' So I left it with a porn mag and a line of coke ...
216. Its my birthday today. My wife has said that shes going to make it my most special birthday ever ... I wonder where shes going?
217. Q: How can you tell when a woman is about to say something smart? A: When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me."
218. A 90 year old women goes to the doctor. Dr I can't stop farting, sure they don't smell and make no noise but still I can't take it any more. Well take these pills every day and come back in a week. Dr what did you do to me not only am i still farting now they smell as well! Oh very well , now about your hearing...
219. Three mice in a pub having a bevy discussing who's the hardest. 1st mouse says I'm the hardest I go up to mousetraps rip the cheese out and as the bar comes down I bench press it 30 times and throw it across the room! 2nd mouse says : you poof! I get rat poison crush it into powder and snort it. 3rd mouse finishes his drink, gets up and walks to the door, "Where are you going? asked the other 2." "Home to shag the cat," he replied!!
220. A man was digging a ditch, when he uncovered a lamp. When he brushed it off, a genie popped out and said, "To show my gratitude for releasing me, I'll grant you one wish.." The man thought for a second, reached into his pocket, pulled out a map of the world, pointed to the Middle-East, and replied, "I want you to bring peace to this area." "Ooooh....I'm so sorry, that's impossible" said the genie. "There's absolutely no way I could accomplish such a great feat, so you'll have to choose another wish..." The man then said, "Well....then I want to understand women....?" The genie thought for a minute then said, "Can I see that map again..?"
221. Chuck Norri's tears can cure cancer... ...sadly he never cries....
222. Q: Why are women like parking spaces ? A: Because all the best ones are taken....and the rest are handicapped.
223. Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives.... "I'll never amount to anything in life..," said the one friend. "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk.." "Well...that's not too bad," replied the other, trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?" "New York City..."
224. An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together at the local tavern. The Irishman says,"...You know, where I'm from, there's a bar called "O'Mally's", where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O'Mally himself buys you a drink." The Italian then says, "Well....where I'm from, there's a place called "Vinnie's", where you buy a drink, then Vinnie buy you a drink, then you buy another drink, and then Vinnie buys you another drink.." The Pollack then says, "Well...where I come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you another drink, and then they buy you another drink, and then they take you in back, and then you get laid!" The Irishman and the Italian both respond with, "Gee....that sounds like a great place ! Have you ever been there?" "No..." said the Pollack, "....but my sister has ...."
225. One day, a hippie and a nun get on a bus. The hippie whispers into the nun's ear and says, "You wanna have s*x?" And the nun says, "No way you sicko!" After that, the hippie gets off the bus and tells the bus driver to tell the nuns to go to the graveyard at 9:00pm that night. At 9:00pm the nun arrives at the graveyard and the hippie is there dressed as god. The hippie then commands the nun to have s*x with him and the nun replies, "Ok but can you do it up the back?", the hippie agrees and they do it. After they're done, the hippie pulls of his mask and yells, "HA! I am the hippie from the bus" then the nun pulls of HIS mask and says "HA! I am the bus driver!"
226. Little Johnny got caught stealing in a FOOD 4 LESS and runs away from the cops. He runs towards his school and into his classroom. He asks his teacher, "May I please hide in your classroom because I got caught stealing." The teacher says, "Yes". Little Johnny first hides under a desk, but no, the cops can see him there. He then hides behind the door, but no, the cops can see him there. So the teacher suggested to little Johnny, "Hide under my long, fluffy skirt." Little Johnny says, "O.K." The cops arrive and ask the teacher, "Have you seen a little boy around here?" The teacher replies, "Sorry, I haven't." When the cops left the classroom the teacher says, "Johnny, the cops are gone.you can come out now." Little johnny replies, "Not yet, I got one more braid to go."
227. One man walking on the street with two penguins. His friends get very angry when they see him and they told him to take poor animals to zoo. Man said them, "That's great idea," and he left. After 2 hours they saw him again with two penguins and they are angry. Man said, "Why you angry? We been there and now we are going to cinema."
228. There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left. The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn. The first man said: "Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack." That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said. "Well imagine this I was riding one of those stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiot started bashing ar my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me because i lived then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me." That is to horrific. He asked the third man how he died and he said. "Well imagine that I was naked in a refrigerator......."
229. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
230. Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.
231. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. It was more "humane".
232. Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
233. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
234. A blonde goes to a sales man to buy a TV, "I want that TV." The man replies, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes." She went home, died her hair red and went back to the sales man, "I want this TV." Again, "Sorry, I don't sell to blonbes." Frustrated, she went home, shaved bold and went again, "I want this TV!!!" Again, "Sorry I don't sell to blondes." The blonde screams out, "HOW THE HELL DO U KNOW I'M BLONDE!?!" He replies, "Cause that's not a TV, it's a microwave!"
235. Hilary Clinton, George Bush, Sarkozy, a boy and a monk were stuck on a plane that is falling fast. They are 5 but there are only 4 parachutes. Hilary said, "I'm a woman, you cant leave a woman on a plane to die," so she took one and jumped. Bush said, "I'm the smartest in the world, every one needs me," he took one and jumped. Sarkozy blabbed something in french that no one understood, he took one and jumped. The monk tells the boy, "You take the last parachute, let me die." The boy said, "Why? We can both jump." "How is that?" said the monk. The boy replies, "Because the so called smartest man Bush took my school bag and jumped!!!"
236. Their was a camel and elephant, the elephant said to the camel. "How come you have your tits on your back?" and the camel got offended so he told the elephant. "Well why do you have your d*ck on your face?"
237. Husband and wife decide to make a password for s*x, they decide on 'washing machine'. Later in bed that night husband says, "Washing machine." Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head." Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine." Husband replies, "To late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand."
238. A willy is like a tree. In your 20's its like a rock hard oak. In your 30's & 40's its like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After your 50's its like a xmas tree, dead from the roots up & the balls are just there for decoration.
239. A boy watches his mum and dad having s*x he ask, "What are you doing?" His dad replies, "Making you a brother or sister!" Boy say, "Do her doggy style I want a puppy."
240. Man comes home to find his 17 yr old daughter with a dildo up her. "What are you doing," he shouts. "Well you won't let me have a boyfriend so this is my substitute," she explains. The next night the daughter comes home to find her dad with a dildo up his arse, drinking a can of beer, "What are you doing," she shouts. He replays, "Having a beer with your boyfriend."
241. Boy in the bath with his mum. Boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum ?" Mum replies, "That is my sponge." "Oh yes," says the boy, "The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it."
242. Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. Lady asks, "What are you?" He says, "I'm a fireman." "But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman. He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll c*m as fast as I can!"
243. What does it mean to come home for love tenderness compassion, understanding and great s*x ? It means you're in the wrong f*cking house!
244. Wife says to husband, "You make love like you decorate." Husband replies, "What very slow and professional?" "NO,"she replies, "I have to finish the job myself."
245. "Dad, whats the difference between a p*ssy and a c*nt ?" young son ask. "Look at this," says dad, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother, "That's a p*ssy son." "Its wonderful dad, can I touch it?" "NO son," says dad, "If you touch the p*ssy you'll wake the c*nt up!"
246. A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?" Wife says, "I would take half and leave you." Man says, "Great! I've won a tenner, here a fiver now f..k off!"
247. A mother was arguing with her teenager and finally she reaches breaking point and blurts out, "I should swallowed you when i had the chance!"
248. Lady goes to doctor with a bee up her fanny. Doc says, " I'm gonna rub honey on my d*ck and insert it, when the bee smells it, I'll pull out and he'll follow ." Doctor starts and woman begins to moan. Doctor gets faster and harder. Woman yells, "What the f*ck you doing?" Doc says, "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard."
249. Little Sally came home from school with a proud smile on her face and told her mum. "Franki brown showed me his willy today." Before mum could raise a concern sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut....." With a secret smile mum asked, 'Was it really small ?" Sally replied, "No... really salty!"
250. Two gays Rupert and Cecil are lying in bed together, Rupert starts rubbing vaseline on his chest. Cecil said, "What you doing?" Rupert said, "I read that vaseline stimulates hair growth, I want a hairy chest." Cecil said, "Dont be stupid, if that was true I would have a ponytail sticking out of my arse.."
251. Man walking into bedroom sees wife packing a case. He asks, "Where are you going?" She replies, "I'm going to New York, I've heard prostitutes get $400 a time for what I do for free." The man starts packing case. Wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "I'm coming to just to see how you are going to live on $800 a year."
252. DID YOU KNOW........ Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
253. Whats the chemical formula of compressed liquid oxygen? O2.zip
254. Wife says to husband: - I am tired of being your maid, I am filing for divorce! - No, you are fired!
255. A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies: "Forget it man, you don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
256. Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans. One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven. Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost. A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?". "Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya. First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!". "Thank God!" Joe shouts... "What is the bad news?!". "You're pitching tomorrow."
257. 2 girls meet: - me & my husband are no longer together... - why? - well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses? - no, of course I couldn't! - well he couldn't either!
258. A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling. "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull." The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant." The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!" Then kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"
259. Based on statistics, the most used s*xual position among married couples is d*ggy style The husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
260. Two eggs boiling in a pan. One says, "I've got a huge crack." The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet."
261. A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"
262. Been chatting to a 14 yr old on the internet. She is funny, s*xy and flirty. Now she tells me she is an undercover cop. How cool is that at her age!!
263. Q. Why did the golfer wear tho pairs of pants? A. In case he got a hole in one.
264. After working together for a while, Frank and Jane's office romance blossomed and they really developed the hots for each other. One day,they seize the opportunity to sneak into a supply closet to consummate their lust. Frank finds Jane very tight and difficult to enter, but finally succeeds. When they are finished, Frank says to her, "If I had known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time!" To which Jane replies, "If I'd known you had more time, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"
265. "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
266. Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
267. There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and says, "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees," he bragged and took another sip of beer. His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison." "Well, then she said, "Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!" he admitted.
268. A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one really bad day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
269. Q; What did the elephant say to the naked man? A: That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts!
270. So there are three construction workers. One is blonde, one is brunette and one is a red head. Everyday, they sit on the top of their construction building and eat lunch. For the past 4 months, they have all gotten tuna sandwiches. One day the red head says, "That's it! Next time I get tuna sandwich, I am jumping off the roof of this building." Both the blonde and the brunette agree. The next day, they all get tuna sandwiches and they all jump off the roof. As their wives mourn at their funerals, one wife looks at the blonde's wife and says, "I cant believe they jumped off the roof just because of the tuna sandwiches we made them. I feel so bad." The blonde wife looks up and says, "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."
271. Teacher draws a pen*s on the blackboard . does any one know what that is? "Yes," says Tommy. "My dad has two, a small one for weeing and a big one for cleaning the babysitters teeth."
272. If a woman is uncomfortable watching you m*sturbate, do you think? A. you need more time together B. she's a prude C. she should have sat elsewhere on the bus
273. Q:Where do wild pigs go on weekends? A: Pignics.
274. Yo mama is so stupid she took a spoon to the Superbowl.
275. Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes ballistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."
276. A pirate was on his ship and his watchman comes to him and says, "1 enemy ship on the horizont." The captain says, "Bring me my red shirt, no men get injured or die." So the watchman comes to him and asks, "Why did you want your red shirt?" The captain says, "Because if i get injured they won't see and keep on fighting." So the watchman comes to him again and says, "20 enemy ships on the horizont." The captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."
277. What do you call a pr*stitute with a runny nose? Full.
278. Yo momma is so fat when she stepped on a scale it said to be continued.
279. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
280. Chuck Norris gives Fred Kruger nightmares.
281. Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident, but he still managed to walk it off.
282. A man says to his wife, "Get ready you, me & the dog are going fishing." Wife says, "I don't want to go." Man gives her 3 choices, fishing, blow job or take it up the a*se. Wife pick bl*w job. After she sucking for a while she says, "It tastes like sh*t. Man says, "I know, dog didn't want to go fishing either."
283. You know the movie, Alien VS Predator? Well it used to be called Alien VS Predator VS Chuck Norris, but no body would pay to see a fight 7 seconds long.
284. Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
285. Chuck Norris actually died a while back. Death just can't get the nerve to tell him.
286. A traveling salesman rings this doorbell. 10 year old little Johnny opens, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What do you think?"
287. People have near-death experiences. Death has Near-Chuck-Norris experiences.
288. Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!!
289. Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
290. Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra." Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!!!"
291. Everybody loves Raymond. Except for Chuck Norris.
292. Undertaker to bereaved husband. When did you 1st notice your wife was dead? Well he replies, "The s*x was the same but the dishes were starting too pile up."
293. Paddy asks Murphy, "Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?" Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the f*cking boat!"
294. How many lawyers dose it take to change a light bulb? 3, 1 to climb the ladder, 1 to shake it, and 1 to sue the ladder company.
295. Two blokes sitting in a bar, 1 says, "After 10 years of marriage, s*x is down to three times a year." The other replies, "Same here pal, as a matter of fact if my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I'd have none at all."
296. Boy - "dear Santa, for Xmas, I would like a baby brother." Santa - "Send me your mother."
297. Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."
298. Q: Which is the oldest animal in the world? A: The Zebra. It is the only animal that is still black and white.
299. Roshni: What kind of fish is this? Aquarium keeper: Jelly Fish Roshni: Which flavor it is?
300. A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean. Starving to death they found a can of roast beef. They start debating how to open the can without can-opener. Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it. Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire. Economist: "Let's suppose the can is opened...."
301. Yo mama so stupid she tripped over a wireless phone.
302. Yo mama so old, I told her to act her own age and she died.
303. Yo momma's so poor she cant even pay attention.
304. A famous American golfer is invited to go to China for a golfing tournament. From the second he gets there, he is treated like a king. He is given five-star treatment in a five-star hotel until the day of the tournament. The night before the tournament, he is sitting in his hotel room watching TV. A hot Asian girl walks up to his room and he says, "Wow. They must really love me here." He begins to have s*x with her the whole night. She continues to scream, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!," but he ignores it. At the tournament, the American golfer gets a hole-in-one and gets really excited. He starts yelling, "Chung Hoi! Chung Hoi!" One of the Chinese golfers says, "What do you mean 'WRONG HOLE'?"
305. Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
306. Yo mama so stupid I told her I was going to the Super Bowl and she told me not to forget a spoon.
307. Q: What's the richest kind of air? A: Billionaire.
308. Q: Why did the Skeleton go to the movies by himself? A: He had no body to go with him.
309. Yo mama has been passed around by so many black dudes, they now call her..Spalding!
310. Teacher: If you eat fish? Student: It's good for my eyes. Teacher: If you don't eat fish? Student: It's good for the fish!
311. Two fish in a tank - one says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"
312. A man is on a plane The pilot starts talking on the intercom and then lays it down without knowing its still on. The pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could use two things right now, a cup of coffee and a bl*wjob." stuartist runs up the isle to tell the pilot to turn off the intercom. The man stands up and says, "Hey hun, dont forget the coffee."
313. Q: Which runs faster, hot or cold? A: Hot. Everyone can catch cold.
314. Yo mama so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
315. A man goes to a bar says, "Barman drinks on me to you the owner and everybody else in here!" Comes the end of the night the man say...sorry man it seems i forgot my wallet. The barman kicks him in the guts and throws him out. The next day the man comes again, "Barman drinks on me to you the owner and everybody else in here!" Comes the end of the night the man say...sorry man i don't have any money on me. The barman hits him in the face with bar stool brakes his leg and throws him out. The following day the man comes to the bar again, "Barman drinks on me for the owner and everybody else in here!" Barman says, "What am not getting a free drink tonight?" "Sorry man but you get violent when you drink."
316. If you look back far enough in your family tree, Chuck Norris appears at least three times.
317. A student went to class late, so the teacher asked him, "Why are you late?" He told her, "I was dreaming of a Manchester United football match." But that did not make any sense for the teacher so she ask, "Still why are you late?" He answered, "Because there was extra time."
318. This guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool and places a bottle of prescribe medication on the bar, the man sitting next to him says, "What is that?" The guy says, "These are smart pills," you take one and it makes you smarter. The half drunk man says, "Your joking aren't you? and the guy says, "No I am not." So the drunk says to the bar tender, "Give a large glass of beer." The drunk opens the bottle and takes a pill and washes it down. A few minutes later the drunk says, "I don't feel smarter." and the guy says, "Well some people require more than one pill." So the drunk takes another pill and washes it down and few minutes later he says, "I still don't feel any smarter. So the drunk says, "Hey,let me see those pills," the drunk takes a pill and smells it and says," it smells like shit and he tastes it and says, "It tastes like shit." The guy says, "See! your getting smartes allready."
319. Chuck Norris doesn't cry, water condenses on his face at the appropriate time.
320. Q: Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game? A: Because all the fans have left.
321. Q: What did Zero say to Eight? A: Nice belt!
322. A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast. On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister. She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on. She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed." The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great so she decides to go and see mother superior. She asks mother superior, "Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed when I feel great and mother superior says,"That is because you have brother Johns shoes on."
323. This couple board this jetliner for a trip to New York. The jetliner gets full of passengers and they are to go but, they notice that there are no attendants or pilots. The door closes and the jetliner starts taxing down the taxiway towards the runway and starts to take off as they are airborne the intercom says, Welcome to flight 1313 non stop to New York as you can see there are no attendants and or pilots this aircraft is totally computerized so sit back and enjoy the flight because there is nothing that can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong .....
324. Q: What did the bee say to the flower? A: Hi, honey.
325. Husband: everytime I hit you, you never fight back. how do you manage your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet seat............. Husband: How does it help? Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!
326. Chuck Norris doesn't listen to music, music listens to him.
327. Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."
328. Chuck Norris doesn't celebrate Xmas, Xmas celebrates Chuck Norris.
329. Yo mama is so poor, rainbows in her neighborhood are black and white.
330. When Chuck Norris runs backwards during a fight, it may seem like he's retreating. He's not. He's just attacking from another direction.
331. Chuck Norris once beat the sun at a staring contest.
332. A company once tried to make Chuck Norris toilet paper, but they soon realized it wouldn't work because Chuck Norris won't take shit from anyone.
333. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
334. Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
335. Yo Mamma's so stupid, she heard it was chilly outside, and ran out with a bowl.
336. Doctor Doctor I feel like a sheep, baaaa.
337. Chuck Norris: Who the hell is he?
338. A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. The guys says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" barks the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
339. A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
340. A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
341. A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing. For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit. When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools. Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!" Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole. Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!" Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again. "There are no fish under the ice!!" Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?" The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"
342. A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap. Politely she declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer," your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," puts her head on the pillow and goes back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
343. On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here." After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot. "Wait a minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear. "I'm sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class. "What did you say to her?" ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot. To which the pilot replied, "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago."
344. The l*sbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Which was very nice, but I think they misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."
345. Man comes home to his wife and says to her: "With the new pair of glasses, you look like sh*t." "But I don't have a new pair of glasses..." she replies. "But, I do."
346. One day, a priest was walking through a forest, when he came upon a pond. On the pond was a lily-pad, and on the lily-pad was the saddest frog the priest had ever seen! "Dear frog" the priest asked, "what is the matter? Why re you so sad?" "Well," said the frog, "I was not always a frog." "Tell me more" said the priest. "One day, I was waslking through these woods when I came upon a wicked witch. 'Stand aside witch' I said to her. But alas, she called me a nasty cheeky boy and turned me into a frog." "But that's terrible! Isn't there anything that can be done to reverse the spell?" asked the priest. "Well" said the frog, "if a kind person were to take me home for the night, feed me and put me to sleep on their pillow, I am sure I would wake up human again." "Well, this is your lucky day!" said the priest. So he took the frog home, fed him and put him to sleep on his pillow. And lo and behold, when he woke up the next morning, there was a 10 year old choir boy in his bead! "And that Your Honour, is the case for the Defence!"
347. A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Anything." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
348. Yo mama is so old in her time Burger King was know as Burger Prince
349. Your mama is so stupid that she threw a rock at the ground and missed!
350. Man to beautiful air hostess, "What is your name?" Air hostess, "Benz, Sir." Man, "Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedez Benz?" Air hostess, "SAME PRICE, Sir..."
351. Teacher asked, "Why do Boys Walk faster then Girls & Girls Talk more then Boys?" Boy replied. because, Boys have ane Extra leg & Girls have one Extra Mouth...........
352. This eighty year old couple were celebrating their 60th anniversary and the wife says to her husband, " Honey lets get stark naked and sit at the dinning table and eat our dinner!" As they sat at the dinning table the wife says, "Honey I am beginning to get very hot and very aroused!" The husband says, " That is because you have your tits in the soup!"
353. I'm a blonde and I'm pretty smart, I know because people keep on telling me, especially the pretty girl on the bathroom wall .
354. Two snakes are talking. One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?" The other replays, "Yes,why?..." "I just bit ma lip."
355. - Mum,can I dress a bra? - No. - Why not.I am 14 years old! - How many times I will say you "no", Michael...
356. teacher asked : Why are you late for school? Johnny: Because of the Sign. Teacher : What Sign? Johnny : The sign that says "School ahead go slow"
357. Yo mama is so ugly the mirror did not make an reflection.
358. A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone. "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
359. Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said. When did you first notice this problem? What problem?
360. A panda walks into a bar, sits down and order a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for Panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
361. You mama is so fat when she when on the weighing scale it said, "One at a time please."
362. Q: Whats long, hard, and full of seman? A: A submarine.
363. MALE PROGRAMMER PICKING UP FEMALE PROGRAMMER Male: I have a bit of data you would be interested in. Female: Would it be a suitable application for what I'm needing? Male: We can only but install it to find out! Female: How do I know if its virus free? Male: I have the leading market protection! Female: You do realize, if it fails it could change my parameters! Male: Don't worry its compatible!
364. America once tried to make a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh*t from nobody.
365. Q. whats the difference between a cloud and a woman? A. if they both f*ck off, you will have a good day.
366. A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game. Oh, I really liked it, she said, but I just couldn't understand though why they were beating each other up for 25 cents. Suprised, the boyfriend asked, what do you mean? The blonde girlfriend replied, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
367. A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.." Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved." The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?" The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
368. Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well mannered professional torturer? A. The torturer would apologize first.
369. Chuck Norris found the Hidden Valley Ranch
370. What has a slice of burnt toast and a pregnant girlfriend got in common? In both cases you wish you took it out a few seconds earlier.
371. Q: What has a hundred balls and f*cks old women? A: Bingo!
372. Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a blonde who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect blonde? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect blonde. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
373. Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some f*ckin' French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the f*ckin' French toast."
374. A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead..." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The hunter says, "OK, now what?"
375. A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, - 'What would you like to talk about?' - 'Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. - OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, - 'Hmmm, I have no idea....' To which the blonde replies, - 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'
376. Joe is on his last day at work as a mailman. He receives many thank-you cards and monetary gifts along his route. When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. Joe happily accepts. After lunch, the woman invites him up to the bedroom for some \'desert.\' Joe happily accepts again. When they are done, the woman gives him a dollar. Joe asks what the dollar is all about. The woman replies: "It was my husband's suggestion. When I told him that it was your last day at work, he told me, "F**k him -- give him a dollar." The lunch was my idea."
377. Yo mama so ugly when she threw a boomerang it never came back.
378. Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist? A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.
379. Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first? A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.
380. Yo mama is so stupid,she got fired from blow job.
381. Only Chuck Norris can tell you the answer to your question before you ask it.
382. A man in a pub asks for a beer. The barman says, "Sure, that'll be one dollar." "One dollar?" exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, "Could I have steak and chips?" "Certainly," says the barman, "that'll be two dollars." "Two dollars?" cries the man. "You're joking. Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman says, "Upstairs, with my wife"." The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The barman says, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
383. Yo mama so dumb,when she got an "F" on her test, she thought it mean Fantastic!
384. This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any s*xual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his p*nis. "No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
385. Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris........ After 5 days of extreme pain........ the snake died.
386. A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8. "But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer. "OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did." The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did." The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- " The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
387. Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol. He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & died. "All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?" "Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."
388. A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to. When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
389. What's the difference between a bachelor & a married man? Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
390. Q: Why is it hard to play the card game "Uno" with a group of Mexicans? A: Because they all take the green cards.
391. When 40 people think at food, it`s called funeral. When 38 people think at food, and 2 at sex it`s called wedding. When 40 people think at s*x, it`s team-building.
392. Chuck Norris is not cool. By saying that, I have decreased my life to 5 seco.....
393. A lady went to see a tarot reader woman who'll predict her future: - Lady, I'm sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future. - Don't tell me things that I already know, tell me if there would be an investigation!!
394. For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation."
395. Q: What is the best type of ship? A: FRIENDSHIP!
396. A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting. "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear." At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit. "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index.
397. Top 10 List of what Men know about Women 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.
398. One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France. Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!" Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!" Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy." Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."
399. Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fire. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
400. A man and woman doing staff in bed after midnight. At one point they hear a car noise and a strong brake. Woman : Take your staff and run on the window. I think that`s my husband. The man panics, jumps out of bad , takes his clothes from all over the place, and jumps on the window. After a while the same guy with his clothes knocks at the door : Hey wife, I think we are a little bit stressed.
401. Big inspection on a build site/yard. The boss tells the workers : what ever happens just act as usual. The inspection committee were inspecting when a wall just collapses. -(Worker looking at his watch) : 10:15, just on time
402. Sthi Bash is sitting in a bar drinking some alcohol. After some couple of drinks he tries to stand up and he falls. He crawls to the door of the bar and tries to stand up and he falls again, he crawls until he reaches the door in his house and he tries to stand but then for the third time he falls again. He then decides to knock on the door while he is on the ground. His wife opens the door and surprised she asks him, "Where the hell did you leave your wheelchair?"
403. A guy dies and is sent to hell. Extremely frightened because of that, he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining, happy people around in shorts and bikinis. Behind the next corner there are people eating great food and there's some cool music playing. After some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and says: "Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I'm the devil. As you're gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me." The guy still doesn't really understand what's going on, this is not what he expected. But finally he decides to inspect the area. Everywhere he goes, there are people laughing and having a great time, there's games, party and fun all around. Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the doomed, there's fire and the smell of brimstone. Shocked, he runs to the devil and says "Devil, how can that be? Here, we have the sweet eternity and down there people are tortured and burned! How can that be?!" The devil laughs and says "Oh, that. That's the Catholics - they want it that way."
404. Q: What do two oceans do when they meet? A: Nothing! Just wave
405. A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano. "Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man. "Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want." Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie. "You grant wishes right?" "Yes." replies the genie. "Hmm, I'd like a million bucks." Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar. "Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!" His friends sitting at the table replies, "Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"
406. Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible! Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, "Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...""
407. Most leading hand sanitizers say that they can kil 99.99% of all germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of WHATEVER HE WANTS.
408. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids leave home.
409. A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the plan. In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a pr*stitute makes $2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."
410. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes school.
411. A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa. The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration: "I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... " The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece: "When Tim and I to Brisbane went We met three ladies cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
412. James Bond and a chicken are talking. The chicken asks James Bond: Whats your name? He replies: The names Bond, James Bond. James Bond then asked the chicken: whats your name? He says: the names Ken, Chic-ken!!!
413. Q: Whats yellow and dangerous? A: A canary with a chainsaw!
414. A women has three daughters, one came up to her and asked, "Mommy, why did you name me Rose?" The mother answered, "Because when you were born a rose petal fell on your head." Another daughter came up and asked, "Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?" The mother answered, "Because when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The last daughter came up, "Gahhhhhh!" "Shut up Fridge!"
415. Boy: Mommy can i go swimming? Mommy: No because there are sharks in the water. Boy: But daddy is swimming. Mommy: Yeah,but daddy has insurance.
416. Q: What is a mexican's favorite sport? A: Cross country.
417. A blond, brunet, and redhead walk in the doctors office for a pregnancy check up. The redhead says I'm gonna have a boy because I had got pregnant while I was on top. The brunet says I'm gonna have a girl because I got pregnant while I was on bottom. Then suddenly they hear the blond scream, "Ahhhh.. I'M GONNA HAVE PUPPY!!!"
418. A man was violating a law on the street when a lady cop sees him. She handcuffs him and says, "Anyhting you say can and will be held against you." So the man says, "Breast."
419. Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A: About 45 pounds.
420. A person 2 salesman, "I want pink curtains 4 my computer." Salesman, "But computer doesnt need curtains!!" A person, "I HAVE WINDOWS INSTALLED!!"
421. Someone asked a detective, "Why are you under a bed sheet?" The detective replied, "I'm Undercover."
422. A professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kind of jokes they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the plan. In the next lecture, in the beginning of the lecture he said: "In Sweden a pr*stitute makes $2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them: "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the day after tomorrow."
423. A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."
424. An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled... "SUPPLIES!!"
425. A young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?" The father, surprised, answers: "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry.
426. A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the woman's room."
427. Q: Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm the school bell. A: Take These tablets and if they don't work give me a ring in the morning.
428. Once while having s*x in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and ran into the engine. We now know this truck....as Optimus Prime.
429. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
430. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
431. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
432. My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.
433. Q: Why did the woman cross the road? A: I don't know, the real question is, why was she out of the kitchen?
434. Chuck Norris taught Micheal Jackson to moonwalk.
435. Q: Should I have another baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough.
436. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
437. Q: What do u call a blonde with one brain cell? A: Intelligent. Q: What do u call a blonde with two brain cells? A: Pregnant.
438. A man is walking home when he sees a dog buying meat for his owner.The man watches the dog when the butcher takes a little to much and growls and him until he gets the right amount. The man follows the dog and watches as the dog stands on two legs and helps an old lady across the street. Amazed the man follows the dog home and watches the dog ring the doorbell. When the owner comes to the door the owner takes the bags and tells the dog to stay in the front yard. Frustrated the man goes up to the owner and yells "This dog is amazing! He gets your groceries, makes sure you have the exact change, helps old ladies across the street and this is how you treat him!" The owner replies" I know but,this is the 3rd time this week he left his keys".
439. Sherlock Holmes: - Say, Dr. Watson... are you gay? - Wha... How did you know?! - I'm just asking.
440. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any..
441. (Scene from one of the old Pink Panther films) "Does your dog bite?" "No." (Tries to touch dog. Dog bites him) "Argh! I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" "That is not my dog."
442. A girl invites her boyfriend home for dinner and tells him they'll go for a long ride after that. Boy is eager and gets his motorbike checked at the garage. The mechanic tells him everything is ok except the tank cap, which is slightly loose. So as to avoid water going in. The boy immediately purchases a tube of vaseline and heads off towards his girlfriends house. Upon reaching there his girlfriend tells him secretly that the situation in the house is bad as nobody at home has done the dishes or chores for several weeks and the house is a complete mess and that they had decided that whoever speaks first today at dinner would clean up everything. Boy enters the house and sure enough the place is unbelievably dirty and everyone sits down silently at the dinner table. The boy gets a mischievous idea and jumps on his girlfriend rips of her clothes and has take her in front of everyone. Girlfriend gets excited, mom is embarrassed and dad is furious. But nobody speaks a word. After sometime the boy gets another idea and this time goes to mother and has s*x with her. Mother is excited, daughter and father are infuriated. But still nobody speaks. A little more time passes and the boy hears a clap of thunder and remembers his bike and whips out the vaseline and gets up when the father screams ,"OH NO. I' LL DO THE DISHES"
443. A man goes hiking. he gets tired after a while and finds a cave to rest in he sees a shining light at the end of the tunnel its a magic lamp he rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie says, "I will give you three wishes but there's a catch, everything you wish for your wife gets double." So the man says okay. First he wishes for a convertible, the genie says, "OK your wife gets double." Then he wishes for a million dollars, the genie says, "OK your wife gets double." Then his last wish is, "Beat me half to death."
444. Jesus and devil had an argument as to who is better programmer. It took some time untill they came to an agreement to hold a contest, with the God as a judge. They were typing for a long time and then unexpectedly was a cut of power. Moments later, when the power is restored, God announces the contest is over. He asks devil to show what he has come up with. Devil cries and says: I have nothing, I lost everything when the power went out" God came to Jesus and asked him to show his project. Jesus entered the command and the screen appeared full of excellent programs. Devil couldn't believe that. "How did he do that? There was a power cut!" - Devil asked. God smiled and said: "Jesus saves".
445. Q: What is the biggest mouse in the world? A: Enormous.
446. A man walks into the bar and sees a sign: H*ndjob: $5 Cheese sandwich: $2 He walks over to the bartender, a big boobied blonde, and asks. "Are you the one giving out handjobs?" "Yes I am!" she replied, smiling and sticking out her chest. "Okay," he said. "Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!"
447. Q: Why did Jesus quit playing hockey? A:Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.
448. A 7 year old kid walking home from the park sees some teens at the basketball course, he hears one say, "aww you f**kin id*ot!". When he gets home he asks his mom, "Mom, what does f**kin mean?" Mom says, "Well honey, f**king means roasting". So the kid goes about his business until dinner time. The doorbell rings, and since mom and dad are too busy with the turkey he answers the door. "Grandma!! Grandpa!!" says the kid. Grandma asks, "Oh how are you deary, where's mommy and daddy?" The little boy responds, "Mom and dad are in the kitchen f**kin the turkey!!!"
449. One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?" The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
450. A woman went shopping. She walks to checkout counter and then the salesman packs all her groceries: milk, cheese, orange juice, half of bread, bar of soap, toothpaste... All of a sudden the salesman asks her: - You're single, aren't you? A bit surprised woman smiles and answers: - That's right, but how did you guessed that? - Because you're so ugly.
451. A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"
452. Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some. Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' Daddy?" Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his d*ck and starts looking at the floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, f*ck it?"
453. A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
454. Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobby. want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Bob, you picked up a real b*tch this time!"
455. Q: What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body? A: He is all right now.
456. Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
457. Girls are like Internet Domain names, the good ones I like are already taken.
458. Chuck Norris' beard can shave a razor.
459. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
460. A child was continually asking his Mom to buy him a hamster. When she did, the child looked after it for a couple of days, but soon he got bored, and it became the Mom's responsibility to feed it. One day she got upset with the her son's carelessness and asked him, "How many times do you think this hamster would have died until now, if I wasn't looking after it?" The child replied, "Um, I don't know. Once?"
461. Yo mamma so ugly she scares Chuck Norris!
462. A hubby is having a short conversation with his wife. See dear, if you got home early from work one day and you found me pounding on another woman, this would be called an awkward situation! So its the same honey, if you came home early from work and found me in bed with another man? No darling, you are now confused and mixing the awkward situation with proper beating!
463. Girl: What if a boy hugs me? Mom: Say Don't Girl: What if he kisses me? Mom: Say stop. The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON'T STOP!!!!!.....
464. A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman: - Do you have any bananas? - No,I don't. ( says the barman) - Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey) - No,I have not got any bananas!!! - Do you have any bananas? - If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!! - Do you have any nails? - No,I don't. - Do you have any bananas?
465. Chuck Norris never suffers from a heart attack. His heart is too smart to not attack him.
466. A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
467. A man is riding aimlessly through the desert on a donkey. He is not hungry or thirsty, because he has a bottomless bowl of fruit. He wanders for about a week and eventually gets pretty horny. He gets to the point where he can't stand it anymore. So he decides to try and have s*x with the donkey. He drops his pants and positions himself under the donkey. But, to his dismay, the donkey walks away. Only slightly discouraged, the man decides to try again. He walks to where the donkey is standing, positions himself under the donkey, and right before he goes for it, the donkey walks away again. Now the man is getting frustrated. As he prepares for his third and final try, he sees a vision. A beautiful, naked woman appears out of nowhere. She approaches the stunned man, who until recently, believed that he was the only person for hundreds of miles. She smiles at him and says, "I would do anything for that bowl of fruit you have." "Anything?" he says, getting fairly excited. "Yes, anything." she replies. So he says, "Will you hold the donkey?"
468. Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush. "Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo-store salesman." "OK," says Ivan. After a while, Ivan says, "I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car."
469. Two politician are having lunch together, all of a sudden one stood up and shouted, "Your lying." The other replied, "I know but just hear me out."
470. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe across the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
471. Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job." "Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."
472. One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop. J(ohnny):I want a pistol S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols) J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this, S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose? J: For shooting cans. S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one. J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one. S: And what cans will you shoot at? J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans...
473. Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day. "You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss. "That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.
474. Q: How many blonde jokes are there? A: 1 the rest of them are true stories.
475. I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever. The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back tomorrow!"
476. The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son," said the priest. The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
477. 2 Ghosts meet: Ghost: Do you believe in humans?
478. Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
479. Q: Smart blonde and santa jump off a bridge, who made the bigger splash? A: Neither, they are unreal.
480. Dinesors once looked at Chuck Norris the worng way, ONCE.
481. HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight? WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.
482. Q: What's the difference between light and hard? A: You can sleep with a LIGHT ON.
483. "A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, ""All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."" The mother went nuts and told her son, ""We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."" Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, ""All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."" She hears the little boy continue, ""For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."" As the mother began to smile, the child added, ""For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."""
484. Yo mama so poor I sat on the garbage can and she said get off from my roof.
485. A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop." The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars." The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup. The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars." The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money. The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
486. The first zebra goes and asks God. God responds by saying, "You are what are." So the zebra returns and says to the other zebra we are white with black stripes. The other zebra says how do you know? What did God say? The zebra replies saying he said we are what we are. If we were black with white stripes he would have said, "You is what you is."
487. What do u do when a blond girl throws a grenade at u??? U pull the pin out and throw it back!!!
488. How do you get a 1 armed blonde out of a tree? You wave.
489. Teacher: How we use the light? Pupil: To suck it? Teacher: Why do you say so? Pupil: Because every night, my mother says to my father, "Switch off the light, I wanna suck it!"
490. This man was talking to a group of men at a bar and he said, "In my house I am the boss, I say when the laundry is done and when the cooking is made and when the dishes are washed." One of the guys at the table said, "How long have you been married?" The man says, "Oh I'm not married I'm single!"
491. Why did the blonde give her computer cough medicine? It had a virus.
492. A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive. The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!." "No worries," replies the clerk. "We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl*wjobs." "Bl*wjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent. With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen. In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen. She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing?" she asks. "Well," says the husband. "If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here."
493. Scientists have finally discovered what is wrong with the female brain: On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.
494. Ben: My dog doesn't have nose! Joey: How does he smell then? Ben: Awful!
495. A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit. The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed. The motician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing. His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit. She gives the blonde mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, "Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing." The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made. She says to the mortician, "You have done a magnificent job and I'm very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?" To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque. "There's no charge," she says. "No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!" she says. "Honestly," the blonde says, "It cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good... So I just swapped their heads."
496. A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, "Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; H*ndjob: 20.00." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the h*ndjobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "Indeed I am." The man replies, "Well, go and wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"
497. A black man is talking to a blond white woman. "If we ever have kids, what will they look like?" The blond white women says, "They will be zebras."
498. A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwin...g the hens but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
499. When is a door sweet and tasty?? When its jammed!!!
500. A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out during late night." The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning." The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try. When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet. Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!" "Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
501. Chuck Norris doesn't travel at the speed of light, light travels at the speed of Chuck Norris!
502. What do you call a old snowman? Water.
503. Do you know why babys cry when they are born? Because they know they are entering the world with chuck Norris in it.
504. Yo mama is so hairy, Kingkong got jealous.
505. Yo moma so stupid, she thought taco bell was a phone company.
506. An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
507. Why do guys think more then girls, and why do girls talk more then guys? Because guys have two heads and girls have two sets of lips ;)
508. A priest and a rabbi are looking at a boy bending over, drinking water out of a water fountain. The priest says, "I'd like to scr*w him." Then the rabbi asks, "Scr*w him out of what?"
509. A man finds a genie lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out and says "I may grant you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double." The man wishes for a new car. The genie gives him a new car and the man's wife 2 new cars. The man then wishes for a new house. The genie gives him a new house and the man's wife 2 new houses. The man then says, "For my final wish, I wish to be beaten to half-death."
510. A man is moaning to his mate that he never has any luck with pulling women. His mate tells him he has a chat up line that never fails, no matter how good looking the women are he always ends up in bed with them. Great says his mate, what is it! Just walk up to any woman you fancy and say, "Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion! Does this damp piece of cloth smell like chloroform to you?"
511. It was Christmas time and this woman invited all her family to her house to eat. So they gathered around the table and she asked her son to pray. He said: "But I do not know what to say." She said: "Say what I said this morning." So he said: "Dear God, why did I invite all these people to my house?"
512. In school they probably told you Newton had 3 laws of motion. Turns out there are 4. Newton's first three and Chuck Norris.
513. After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."
514. Chuck Norris went to every planet in the galaxy. That is why there is no life on any of them.
515. Hitler conquering another village while ww2 and he decided to give a chance for every woman in this village to save their families. He made all men to stand naked one next to another in stright line and every woman have to find her husband by doing them bl*wjob. First woman starts to suck and saying: - not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, Mine! It's turn out that she was right so they could walk away free. Second woman starts to suck: - not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, MINE!! True again so Hitler was deeply surprised and decided to stand in line between men of village. Third woman starts to doing her job and saying: -not mine, not mine, not mine , not mine, not from this village, not mine......
516. A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
517. A divorce court judge said to the husband,"Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week." "That's very fair,your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
518. John is paying a visit to his Italian neighbor in the hospital, who just had a very serious traffic accident. He doesn't look like very much: in plaster, completely wrapped in a bandage, tons of hoses and infusions. he looks like a mummy. John tries to have a conversation, but his neighbor has his eyes closed and isn't responding. Suddenly his eyes jump wide open and he starts to gurgle and during his last gasp for air he says: "Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, Pezzo di merda ...." John inscribes the words in his heart. At the funeral John tells the black-clad widow that her husband had something to say. 'And, she asks with tearful eyes,"was it that he loved me? " "I do not know," said the man, "but it sounded like Mi stai bloccando il d'tubicino ossigeno, pezzo di merda ...." The widow screams and faints. "What?" John ask startled to the daughter, "what did he say, what does that mean?" And the crying daughter says: "You are standing on my oxygen hose, you git."
519. A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
520. A guy with bright blue, green and orange color hair was standing at a bus stop. Few moments later an elderly man stood near him and kept staring at him hard. Annoyed by the stares the guy asked him, "Wotz up oldie! Never done something wild?" To this the old man replied, "Yeah,I f*cked a peahen once and I'm wondering if you are my son."
521. I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
522. A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?" "Of course my child, What can I do for you?" "Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?" "Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie." "You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'. The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied. Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?" The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used." Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
523. A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor. "You b*stard," the man says," my wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
524. A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time. The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to your feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called Tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had Kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"
525. A man was getting ready to close his bar for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to him, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared the man pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" HE says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the the man's head and says, Alright, now give me a bl*wjob!" "Anything!" cries Banta, "Just don't shoot!" The man starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. Man sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! Somebody might walk in!"
526. A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, 'Mother of Six', in spite of her objections. One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
527. Yo mama is so fat she doesn't need the internet. She is already WORLD WIDE!
528. The teacher said to Danny: "Why are you in the floor?" Danny said: "Because you said to do this Math problem without Tables."
529. A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... "Go get your Mother."
530. Q: Why was the math textbook so sad? A: He had a lot of problems!
531. Yo mamma so stupid she stared at a orange juice carton just because it said concentrate.
532. The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norris' fist!
533. There was three girls and they all had boyfriends and separate rooms. The mom walked by all the rooms. The first room she hears laughing, the second room she heard screaming and the third was totally quiet. The mom was suspicious, so she asked the third girl why was she so quiet she replied, "My boyfriend said not to talk with my mouth full."
534. What goes black white black white.........? A penguin rolling down a hill! What's black and white and laughing? The penguin who pushed him!
535. Ms.Battle: Henry, I hope I didn't see you copying Casey's math test. Henry: I hope you didn't either.
536. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
537. A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?
538. Dad says to his son, "Don't mast*rbate to much because you will go blind." Son say, "I'm over here?"
539. Teacher: "Can you tell the name of 3 great Kings who have brought happpines and peace into people lives?" Student: " Smo-king", Drin-king and Fuc-king"
540. Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
541. When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
542. Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?" "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. "President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"
543. A man walks into his office box on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor. it reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?" Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!!" Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor. Expecting an apology he opens the e-mail. It reads, "Want to buy some?"
544. A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."
545. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.
546. It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations" He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SH*T!" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
547. The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!" Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!" So the Pope slapped her.
548. An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
549. A precious little girl walks into a Pets Mart Shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit !!"
550. An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland. The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black." "No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black." The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here."
551. A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space. "How did you like it?" the mathematician wants to know after the talk. "My head's spinning," the engineer confesses. "How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?" "Well, it's not even difficult. All I do is visualize the situation in n-dimensional space and then set n = 13."